Mea Culpa

By now you know about our plan to take this river trip to the Gulf of Mexico but are probably questioning why I hadn't mentioned it to anybody. Now it is time for me to make a confession of sorts.

As mentioned before, I had been thinking about this trip since last winter and was actively working on the boat for more than six months. It's now mostly finished and sitting in Matt's backyard waiting for summer. I had purposely made Mary, Matt and Ellie swear to secrecy and they were constantly asking me why I didn't want to be open with others. The quick answer I gave was always the same, "just because", is what I said, and for the record, they have successfully kept their silence. I don't think anything was leaked past their girlfriend/boyfriend or possibly someone too distance to matter.  A few months ago I told them it was my intention to reveal my plans at the New Year. That reduced the pressure on them since they now had a date certain when they'd be released from secrecy. Those who know Mary can only imagine the damaging strain she has undergone. Had anyone asked her if she was able to do something this coming summer; she had to say no and make up some excuse. Had anyone asked her about an upcoming event;  she said no again if it required time off work as she's using up most of her vacation time for this trip. New Years day will bring great relief to her because holding a secret is not her specialty.

So you must be wondering why I did this secret keeping?  I'm just a miserable cuss could be in the mix of possible answers.  The largest part of honesty is in this statement, "I truly wasn't sure if I could pull it off and didn't want to be embarrassed by presenting an idea to others that I wasn't sure I could complete". Until I got this trip a bit more calculated in my head I just wasn't prepared to air it out in a larger circle. I needed to do my homework first and get some momentum in rebuilding the boat.  Oh Oh, here I am, doing it again, my answer is mostly true but still with a smidgen of bullshit blended in.  In the beginning I was unsure of success but as time went on this excuse waned and I no longer had what might be construed as a valid reason for secrecy. In my estimation, I transitioned from being unsure of myself into a miserable cuss around October. Matt would say success was in hand 5 minutes after we first talked about the trip last spring.  Does that mean his old man is a full time miserable cuss?   I hope not and even I wouldn't be that harsh on myself.  Here's a little space if you want to weigh in.     Miserable cuss?  Y____N____ Check One.

So from October until today I've had what I'd say is no excuse at all for being secretive. I had resolved that if during that time anyone were to ask me if I was planning a trip to the Gulf of Mexico, via the Mississippi,  on or about July 8 2013, I would immediately fess up. If asked that I had rebuilt a 1980 aluminum Blue Fin fishing boat into a 16 foot, white, center console utility boat my response would have been the same.

Are you beginning to to sense what's happening here? That's right. If you had asked the right questions then I wouldn't have had to keep things secret. If you had only asked then the burden of secrecy would have been lifted. You see this matter of secrecy is not entirely my fault then. It could have been stopped at any moment if only for lack of the right question.

But I'll not be unkind, as I already have been, and shun all the blame. I'll generously accept that I was afraid of failure in the eyes of others and was therefore secretive of my plans. But once I had this trip pieced together and the boat was being finalized, I was waiting for someone to talk to but nobody asked.

To settle this matter then, I would like to suggest an age old remedy I learned early in my work career. Stated in this fashion: Let's not focus on the problem at hand. (Why did it happen? What can we learn from it? How can we keep it from happening again?), but instead lets fix the blame. Who did it? I didn't do it!  Did you see what he did!     Based on this timeless principle, I think a fair settlement requires me to take the hit for being secretive in the beginning because I was a wuss. I'm blaming the rest of the world in more recent times for failing to ask.  Please, please, I can be a wuss but I couldn't stand it if I were a miserable cuss!  (Just joking!)

One last thing. Do you know how close some of you came to uncovering my deceit?

Joe and Terri,  You picked us up one evening and instead of coming out of the garage door we came out the front door.  Das boat was in the garage!

George, You were in Matt's driveway on your Harley looking right at the boat when it was torn apart.  You asked who it belonged to and I just grunted. You left assuming it was Matt's.

On the Forth of July boat parts were scatted about my garage when many of you were here.  No one noticed.